Hello family! I realize I really left everyone hanging in a pretty negative spot on my last breast cancer post, and for that I apologize. Technical difficulties, depression, family “stuff” and an overall lack of direction lent itself to not posting, not sharing, not reaching out. So much has happened since then, however, and I’m in a completely different place now – including a new site, a new domain, and a new life path! When I left off in September of 2016, I was in the midst of Tamoxifen induced hell. I was struggling with my self worth, my direction, my need to go back to work, and some pretty…

I was telling a friend today that even with all I’ve been through this past two years, this summer was the best summer I have had as an adult. I had two weeks away at camp, I explored all over the gulf islands and up and down Vancouver island, I went on an awesome road trip to and from Saskatchewan, with Aidan on the way there and my dad on the way back. I spent a significant amount of time just healing – doing things I loved, spending time with people I cared about, meandering my way up to the surface out of the fog and the mire. By the…

My previous post about rekindling my faith did not sit so well with several of my friends. I have a LOT of friends that are not Christians. I myself did not find my faith until my late 20’s, and honestly I waiver and fall and stumble my way through it in a daily basis. But there’s been a recurring frustration that I run into regularly that I feel I need to write down. If I write the words down they get out of my head, which is a good thing. Faith and religion are two opposite things. I don’t consider myself religious. I hate the word – I hate all…

There’s something strangely unsettling about the words “you’re cured.” Especially when I still feel somewhat fragile. I just came from my post treatment follow up appointment with my oncologist. Those words actually came out of his mouth. We have hit this with everything we could, and now it’s just regular 6 month check ups. And as a whole, I feel good. I feel like I’m levelling out on the emotional scale, and that I’m somewhat ready to take life on again. But every now and then I feel a glitch – like static on a TV screen – and I realize things just aren’t the same as they used to…

I’ve been having a rough rough go lately. My body is just exhausted from the chemical shitstorm that it’s been through, and I’m having a tough time processing it all emotionally. I went to see a counsellor today at the cancer agency and she said that high achievers like me usually hit a wall right about now. I have rocked this so far, and now that I’m facing the end of my official treatment period, it makes complete sense that I would have a melt down. I’ve been reminded a lot of the days after having Brendan, when I had severe post partem depression. As well, when I had a…

It’s been a while since I checked in. A lot has happened actually – lots of a ha! and self realization moments. I’m not sure really where to start! First, I guess, medically I only have two (TWO!!) more Herceptin infusions, and I have started on Tamoxifen, which is an estrogen blocker. The first few weeks were an upheaval of emotional crap, as one would expect with sudden hormone changes. You would think blocking the estrogen would just mean I would only be able to focus on one thing at a time, lose the desire to read directions and gain complete control of the TV remote, but instead I went…

So I wrote this huge blog post when I got back home from my trip and then my battery died and I lost it. Then today I had three people comment about how I’ve just left you all hanging, so here I am!!! I’m so glad I went away. After three nights in Tofino and two at my Dad’s, many hours of singing loudly in the car and visits with all my favourite people, I have returned to Victoria with a much better outlook than I had when I left. I feel human again. I feel alive. I’m done my pity party and I’m ready to tackle new things. Today…

So I was walking the beach this morning and had a revelation. You don’t “beat” cancer. You just survive it. My entire role in this process has just been to trust my doctors and say yes to treatment. I haven’t done anything other than put one foot in front of the other and keep my head above water.  I would imagine it’s like if you were to lose a child to some random freak accident. There’s nothing you could do about it. There was no way you could have stopped it from happening. All you can do is grieve and hope that one day the pain and anger and devastation…

Today I got in the car and headed west. My mom gave me a GC for Middle Beach Lodge in Tofino as a birthday present back in September, with the intention of allowing Jeff and I some much needed time away together, but it never seemed to happen. Between appointments, treatments, hockey, kids, finances and Jeff’s work, we could never find a time to go together. So this week I decided it was time. I needed some Tofino time. There is something magical about this place. The sound of the waves, the wind, the rain…. it’s not exactly toes in the sand, sun on my shoulders kind of beach, but…

When my boys were little, we noticed considerable differences in how disciplinary methods worked on them. Case in point, the time out. If we gave Aidan a time out it did nothing but give me a break, because he would just go play in his room. Brendan, on the other hand, would scream bloody murder. The worst worst worst thing we could do to him was separate him from the rest of the world.  When they were older, during an assignment I did for one of my master’s classes, I practiced a dumbed down Myers Briggs test on my family. Surprise surprise, Aidan and Jeff were both exactly like me,…