Strong enough

I just came from my post treatment follow up appointment with my oncologist. Those words actually came out of his mouth. We have hit this with everything we could, and now it’s just regular 6 month check ups. And as a whole, I feel good. I feel like I’m levelling out on the emotional scale, and that I’m somewhat ready to take life on again. But every now and then I feel a glitch – like static on a TV screen – and I realize things just aren’t the same as they used to be.

I don’t think I will ever be the same as I used to be. I think it’s unreasonable to think one could go through all I’ve been through and be able to somehow revert back to how things were before cancer. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. On one hand, I’m afraid that a sheen of bitterness that has taken root in my heart. I’m more guarded, less filtered, more cynical. But on the other hand, I appreciate so much more. I’m more contemplative, more forgiving of myself. I’m not living in a place of fear, nor of arrogance. It’s more an “in between kind of plateau” of taking some time to be kind to myself.

I haven’t updated my blog recently because I was feeling at a loss for words. I don’t want people to think that how I feel on “blog day” is how I feel the NEXT day, because there’s still a certain amount of all over the place to my feelings and thoughts. But I have had a few great experiences lately that have helped me to heal on a larger scale, and for those I am thankful.

At the beginning of the summer, I had the opportunity to volunteer at Camp Imadene up at Mesachie Lake. It was a spur of the moment opportunity and the boys and I took it. I worked in the kitchen, they worked the ski dock. I knew nobody else in the kitchen, and it was a lot of very hard work. But at the end of every 15 hour day, I felt calmly depleted. I felt that God had put me in that place to help me gain confidence in myself and in His grace, and to heal some of the hurts that I had been carrying around. I made some amazing new friends, spent time in the most beautiful place on earth, and I quietly and humbly started to rekindle my faith.

All through this cancer thing I have balked at the word “journey” but now I feel like it really was one, particularly of the spiritual and self realization kind. In the words of Matthew West in his song “Strong Enough” : “You must think I’m strong to give me what I’m going through. Well, forgive me if I’m wrong, but this looks like more than I can do on my own.” I would like to say that through my treatment I relied on my church family, or my faith to get me through. But I didn’t. That’s a lie. In true Teri fashion, I barrelled through on my own, stumbling around in the darkness and railing against God. The phrase “I got this” was a bit of a mantra for me. It’s a good thing God is merciful because the arrogance of a stance like that is appalling.