Taking time to heal
Today I got in the car and headed west. My mom gave me a GC for Middle Beach Lodge in Tofino as a birthday present back in September, with the intention of allowing Jeff and I some much needed time away together, but it never seemed to happen. Between appointments, treatments, hockey, kids, finances and Jeff’s work, we could never find a time to go together. So this week I decided it was time. I needed some Tofino time.
There is something magical about this place. The sound of the waves, the wind, the rain…. it’s not exactly toes in the sand, sun on my shoulders kind of beach, but it’s better than that. It’s “weather reflecting mood” beach. Since my surgery on February 1st, I have been struggling to get my emotions in check. I’m angry. I’m devastated. I’m anxious. I’m frustrated. Funny thing is I SHOULD be ecstatic – the cancer is gone, it’s time to get on with my life. But I’m not. I’m exhausted. I’m pissed off at everything I have had to go through this past year. I’m grieving the old strong, confident me.
I would say that’s the hardest part about this whole thing. I’m afraid I’ll never be the same again. I’m afraid that I will never be the force I used to be. I cry at the drop of a hat (who does that??). I can’t make decisions anymore – trying to figure out what to have for dinner is a full afternoon affair. I’m just plain lost.
My doc says all this is perfectly natural. It’s normal to grieve. It’s normal to be sad, angry, frustrated and depressed. I have been through a significant trauma, and it will take time to get my feet underneath me again. If anything, she says it’s a testament to my character that it’s taken me this long for my bucket to spill over. I finally got up the nerve to call for a counselling appointment and they said the next available appointment is March 30th. Really? Do you have any idea how much it took for me to make this phone call?? Who knows where my head will be on March 30th.
So I have picked myself up and headed out to a place where I know I can heal. I can scream at the wind, and walk in the surf. I can sleep spread eagle in a large comfy bed and I don’t have to cook for a single person. Added bonus – the wifi is shitty and the cell coverage is minimal, so I can truly unplug. As per my previous post about the extroverts hell, you may be wondering why this is so appealing to me right now. I guess it comes down to the fact that there is no expectation of me out here. I know where I can go if I need to be connected, but it’s almost a forced introspection.
I’ve been thinking about writing a book. Or taking up painting. Or doing a complete overhaul of everything I know and choosing a new career path. Who knows if any of those things would actually happen, but today I don’t have to make any decisions. I just need to enjoy this quiet, calm place, where the storm is raging outside and the cookies are freshly baked. Tomorrow I will walk the beach and throw rocks into the water. Maybe.