Been a while…
It’s been a while since I checked in. A lot has happened actually – lots of a ha! and self realization moments. I’m not sure really where to start!
First, I guess, medically I only have two (TWO!!) more Herceptin infusions, and I have started on Tamoxifen, which is an estrogen blocker. The first few weeks were an upheaval of emotional crap, as one would expect with sudden hormone changes. You would think blocking the estrogen would just mean I would only be able to focus on one thing at a time, lose the desire to read directions and gain complete control of the TV remote, but instead I went straight back to the emotional roller coaster of a 12 year old middle schooler. Things have started to even out though, which is awesome. Because cold sores and paranoia are not a comfortable MO for me.
I met with my surgeon last week about phase two of my reconstruction. She’s pleased with my results so far and we have decided to book it for September once the kids go back to school. She will be able to fix all the dents and divots, and then soon enough Humpty Dumpty will be all back together again!
The biggest thing that has been on my mind lately is just how fragile we all are. I saw a meme on Facebook that said something to the effect of “I may look like I have it all together, but really my sock has slid down into my boot.” I would hazard a guess that 75% of us are walking wounded in some capacity. I’m venturing into a new realization of just how much grace we have to have with the people around us. Mental illness, chronic pain, hormone imbalances, drug dependencies, emotional baggage, trauma and grief – there are SOOOO many unseen disabilities and disorders – you never really know what other people are going through. I don’t think I ever realized just how messy people are until I myself got all messy.
I haven’t been myself for the past few weeks at all – which has not been easy for the people around me. Some days I haven’t been so easy to love. These are unchartered waters for me, and it hasn’t been so easy. My biggest struggle has been that I am my own worst critic and my own worst enemy. Having grace with myself is something I have never been very good at. I’m certainly a work in progress.
I haven’t wanted to share much because I feel like I just want to get on with life, and likely you guys do too. So be kind to one another. It may be the best thing you can do for someone in that moment.
PS – I got rid of the grey hair! I know a lot of you really liked it, but being called a “pepper” was my final straw. I’m just not ready to go there yet.
