Welcome BACK – from fog to freedom

Hello family!

I realize I really left everyone hanging in a pretty negative spot on my last breast cancer post, and for that I apologize. Technical difficulties, depression, family “stuff” and an overall lack of direction lent itself to not posting, not sharing, not reaching out. So much has happened since then, however, and I’m in a completely different place now – including a new site, a new domain, and a new life path!

When I left off in September of 2016, I was in the midst of Tamoxifen induced hell. I was struggling with my self worth, my direction, my need to go back to work, and some pretty big decisions. I was also blessed with the top three side effects of the drug – depression, anxiety and rage. The Tamoxifen Trifecta. Fabulous.

In October, I had an “incident” involving a troll that I clocked in a parking lot after he used the C word on me. And I don’t mean Cancer. I mean the OTHER C word. The one I’m not going to repeat. Long story short, the next day I was taken off the rage drugs, got some counselling, and the fog lifted. In January of 2017, I went to a 5 day personal development retreat, where I dug deep and learned some strategies to release anger, pain and patterns that had been holding me hostage for as long as I can remember. I followed that up with two 10 week seminars – one on health, fitness and vitality, and the other on my relationship with money. At the same time, several members of my family were hit with significant health issues of their own. AND I got to go back to work.

One of my colleagues in the health and fitness seminar said to me at one point, “Maybe the issue is not that you don’t want to go back to work – maybe it’s that you don’t want to go BACKWARDS.” I realized in that moment that that was exactly my fear. Everyone around me was constantly saying things like “Are you excited to go back? WOW you must be happy to be back to normal hey? Get back to your routine? Glad all of that is behind you and you can go back to life as it was.” And everything inside me was screaming “I DON’T WANT TO GO BACK!”

Back meant getting wrapped up in the mundane but critical minutia. Back meant 60 hour work weeks. Back meant dealing with bureaucracy and pettiness and inane rules. Back meant inefficiencies and stress and futility. Back meant setting myself up for recurrence. BACK stood for BEFORE ALL CHAOS KICKED my ass.

But – I had to go back. So I had to flip it around. I had to look at my job as a tool to get me what I want. I want a relatively nice home, a car that runs, active healthy children and food in my belly. I want my kids to be able to play hockey and go to schools where they are valued and learn more just than what to post on Instagram. I can’t afford not to work. Yet.

The funny thing is, I actually do like my job. I’m just choosing to frame it as a tool, rather than my be-all-end-all.

I learned during the past year and a half that what I REALLY love is to help other people get unstuck. I love that moment when someone figures out what makes them happy. What they can do in the moment to make things better – even if it’s as simple as learning how to deal with the moron down the hall at work. I love self awareness, self discovery, self management. I also love social awareness, relationship navigation, and learning strategies for better workplaces. Sometimes it’s as simple as accepting that the only thing we are responsible for in life is our own actions, reactions and consequences thereof. How others think, feel, behave or react is not our issue. How we react to them is. So in the story of the princess that tossed the dwarf – she could have taken the high road and walked away. But instead she reacted and had to face the consequences of HER actions. Whether HE was in the wrong or not.

So I have an idea. A goal. A plan. I’m interested in doing some workshops and personal and professional development seminars for people that are struggling with going BACK after a trauma or diagnosis like mine. There are so many people trying to find their way in this world, and I want to help. I’m not sure exactly what it’s going to look like at this point, but I’m working on it. So stay tuned!

OH! And I learned to paint.

And I LOVE to paint.

I’ll sign off with the words of an old friend. Life is beautiful!

Make it a great day!