I feel like I was almost there – but yet…
I was telling a friend today that even with all I’ve been through this past two years, this summer was the best summer I have had as an adult. I had two weeks away at camp, I explored all over the gulf islands and up and down Vancouver island, I went on an awesome road trip to and from Saskatchewan, with Aidan on the way there and my dad on the way back. I spent a significant amount of time just healing – doing things I loved, spending time with people I cared about, meandering my way up to the surface out of the fog and the mire. By the time I got home from Saskatchewan, I was finally feeling like me again.
Then surgery again.
The week leading up to surgery, the anxiety started setting in again. The irritability. The irrationality. The loss of memory and desire to engage with people. Suddenly I was sick again. I was a cancer patient again. I was less. I was broken.
Tuesday arrived, and my surgeon did a fantastic job, as she always does. I now have nipples on round breasts, no divots or bumps in weird places, and two 6″ by 12″ deep black bruises on my inner thighs. Once the bruises fade, I actually think I’ll look better than I did before cancer, so that’s a plus. My body will heal. But I can’t say the same for my mind. I came home that night and was forced to lay on my back again for a few days. The medications and the anesthetic brought on the depression and the darkness. I felt myself falling back into the abyss.
I’m afraid of the darkness. I fuck up friendships and lash out at people I love. I make poor decisions and I don’t sleep. I overthink everything, react excessively, and basically take ten steps backward on the road to healing. I lose my faith, I lose my confidence, and I lose myself.
It’s been a shitty day. It’s actually been a shitty last few days. I quit taking the pain meds, so I’ve been basically fighting through it. So on one hand, the depression will take over, yet on the other the pain makes me irritable, so honestly, I can’t win. I went to Brendan’s hockey game today and found new pockets of rage that I didn’t know I had. Apparently my anxiety triggers are different than they used to be, and I’m discouraged that I have to relearn to cope all over again.
Thanksgiving is coming up. One thing I have always done at Thanksgiving has been to go around the table and have everyone say something that they are thankful for. My mother in law always says the same thing every year – that she is thankful to have more good days than bad. I couldn’t really relate to that until now. Honestly, right now I wish the bad days would just space themselves out, rather than all pile on top of each other.
But this too shall pass. It always does. I can only pray that the damage I do during the times when I’m basically insane will be reversible. Unfortunately, words said in anger or rage are really tough to take back. And my inner voice is a real bitch.
Be kind to one another. You never know what the other person is going through.
