Showing up in the world
I caught a glimpse of my reflection today in an airport duty free window, and thought WOW! I don’t look at all like I think I do. I’m shorter than I feel. Softer. Older. Grumpier. It made me think of how I show up in the world. I wondered how many other people are walking around with their inner selves feeling disconnected from their outer selves.
I flew out to Saskatchewan to see my boys on the weekend, which meant airports, small talk and interesting conversations with strangers. I’m never one to shy away from conversations. I love hearing people’s stories, and I find airports seem to be the space where people open up and tell me things they never would tell anyone else.
Somehow the apparent anonymity allows for a different degree of vulnerability. People are more open to asking the questions that they wouldn’t ask someone who may judge them. I find I am often asked for life advice, career advice, parenting advice, relationship advice … some of the best conversations are over chips and salsa at the bar at Chilli’s, or while plugged into a charging station in the gate waiting area.
It’s odd in a way. But in another it makes perfect sense. People open up to each other in airports and planes in ways that even closest friends may not. Perhaps it’s just a safe ear. There’s no judgement or preconceived notions. There are no expectations. No fear. A limited amount of time to be completely a totally open.
I find in my quest for authenticity and vulnerability in my own life, I often feel (and say!) that I’m an open book. I also wear my heart on my sleeve, and all over my face. There’s no poker face here at all. I actually feel like I have to actively paint on “interested” or “thoughtful” or “pensive” or “engaged” face during meetings.
On the other hand, those that know me best know that my truth – my story – is in those emotions. In my quest for self-awareness, I am running into recurring themes of communication, individuality, contribution and self worth. I was born to make a difference, to help others find their true selves, to encourage people to take leaps. I have an explosive awesomeness inside me that’s clamouring to show up in the world.
Yet still, I’m faced with that woman in the window. My words and my heart may scream openness and growth, but my reflection shows bitterness and fear. My inner self wants to explore authentic interaction and encouragement but my outer self presents as small and volatile.
Do you ever have moments where you realize that someone that you spend a lot of time with – whether it’s a friend, a family member, a coworker or a boss – says something that makes you think “Wow – this person doesn’t know me at all!” I had one of those conversations the other day. It was in the form of a gentle reprimand about how I should try to be more aware of how I show up in the world. I was immediately taken aback, because that’s literally ALL I think about. But then I realized that though I may think others hear the conversations in my head, really they are only privy to what I vocalize in conversation, in meetings, in emails. I realized that this must be where mindfulness comes in. Marrying the inner self with the outer portrayal of self requires pause.
A stranger in an airport may know more about my career aspirations, my heart’s desires, my internal struggles, than someone that I spend 40 hrs a week with. A blog follower in Saskatoon may connect with my story in a deeper way than someone I see daily at the rink. I have a better relationship with my Starbucks barista than I do with my boss.
My next step, then, is to practice that pause. To intentionally stop and think – is what I’m about to say or do going to reflect my true self to this person? Am I being honest and vulnerable and real in this interaction? Am I listening to understand, or simply listening to respond?
I feel like every day I learn something that I already knew. It’s like suddenly I’m coming to understand every self-development book, course, and podcast I’ve consumed for the past 20 years. It’s amazing when I take the time to slow down and acknowledge the whispers of the universe how much wiser I am than I believed I was.
I dedicate this post to Nikki and Sarah, my airport confidantes, who helped me realize that it’s nice to engage the deeper side. My hope is that the ME that you met will become more and more comfortable showing herself to the rest of the world. Because she’s pretty freaking awesome.
Now to grow 3 inches …