Core Value: Contribution

I’ve done a lot of deep breathing today. I walked to work, listening to one of my favourite podcasts on the way. I arrived at my office early, and was welcomed by sunlight, a clean desk, and a comprehensive to-do list left for me by yours truly last night.

I’ve been making a concerted effort to be more effective with my time, while committing to, on my off time, feeding my soul. My 45 minute walk to work is the perfect time to “screw my head on straight” – filling my mind with brilliance and comfort and ideas from scholars and intellectuals around the world, who speak on topics such as thinking outside the box, habits of productivity, creativity, coaching for change, reframing limiting beliefs, and my favourite – finding our inner joy. My theme these days, as indicated by my post a few days ago, is discovering my core values. One of those values, I have found, is contribution.

It’s a lofty goal to “want to make a difference”. Changing the world we live in is a daunting feat. So, in true productivity grasshopper form, I am committed to making a difference, one section of my life at a time. As a wife. As a mom. In my home. As a friend. As a writer. As a daughter. As a global citizen. As an employee.

Oh wait….

For 40-50 hours a week, I work in a large institution where a person can go off sick for 3 years, and come back to the exact same conversations they were drowning in before they left. Inane reply all’s and “looping you in” emails often make the idea of productivity redundant. The simple task of changing a light bulb requires submitting a ticket, waiting a few weeks, having someone come out to consult which bulb, waiting a few more weeks, participating in email chains that involve five different departments to determine who should purchase, supply, deliver or install said light bulb, only to end up getting your hand slapped, simply for changing your own light bulb.

I jest.

Our facilities management department is actually pretty great.

My core value of “contribution” is, on a daily basis, futile in this system. While on paper, my position is specifically ABOUT making a difference, and while our mandate for our organization is literally about being on the cutting edge of our industry, in reality I get stuck in these swirling black holes of bureaucracy on a daily, if not hourly, basis. I can put hours and days, even weeks, into a proposal for efficiency, to be met with stonewalling and “not my job’s”. I’m reminded of a conversation with a former boss who, when presented with an idea, told me “it’s not your job to be innovative, Teri.” My thought today is that having zero capacity for change is quite possibly the number one cause for apathy and workplace suicide.

After one of such interactions this afternoon, I literally had to close my computer, and walk away. The 24 hour rule of not responding while emotional is going to have to come into play. Never have I been so thankful for my 45 min uphill walk home.

I am 99% sure that these issues are not unique to my workplace. It’s the bane of the bureaucracy. And bureaucracies are everywhere. Which means there are a ton of people out there that desperately want to make change, but are likely just as frustrated as me. I tell myself I just care too much. I say I’m just too invested in the cause. But it got me thinking.

How does someone, who is constantly looking for efficiencies and is dedicated to making change, actually make a difference in a large organization like this? How can someone who often inappropriately reacts when frustrated (and trust me – I’m fully aware that my limited ability to control my emotions can be my own worst enemy) repair bridges with the people that hold the keys to our productivity? Is the answer to just do everything myself – to learn all things and do all things so I can be mediocre at all yet a master of none – to burn myself out while listening to “Productivity – Morning Edition” on Spotify? Is it to make ever growing task lists, while putting my head down, avoiding rocking the boat and playing small in my life? What if, at its core, I really love my job, and feel called to stick it out, with some sort of eternal hope that one day I may actually effect change?

Some days, like today, the futility is palpable. After putting in way too long of a day, I limped home with my battered hope and after 20 minutes of “stomping it out” my inner mentor reminded me that my core value hasn’t changed. I still want to be a contribution. I am valuable. My efforts are valid.

In the words of Mr. Miyagi, “man who catch fly with chopstick accomplish anything.” Progress may feel like that fly on a day like today. But we all remember, and put our hope, in that magical moment when he caught it.