A tear in the fabric
I didn’t intend to blog about sadness again. I had planned a weekend of writing, watching the Masters and possibly tackling Mt. Washmore. I had plans to hang out with my oldest son and his girlfriend, who were home for a late spring break – because spring comes later in Saskatchewan than here in B.C.
My son’s girlfriend hails from a small town just south of Saskatoon. Saskatchewan is a patchwork province made entirely out of small towns – connected by threads of asphalt highways, and gravel grid roads, and train tracks. For hundreds of miles all you can see are silos and small groves of trees that protect the weathered homes and towns from the wind, snow and enormous skies.
What amazes me every time I visit Saskatchewan is that even though all these towns and farm homes are so isolated from each other, everyone knows everyone and everyone’s children know everyone else’s children. There are few people in Saskatchewan that don’t either know someone or know of someone, or know someone that knows someone. The threads that tie the province together are the stories of the people – things like farming, hunting, community get-together’s and sport. One such thread, which for many is a swatch, is hockey. I have never experienced hockey like I have in Saskatchewan.
I’m a hockey mom. I have two boys that play, and I married a WHL player. He was a small town boy himself – from the coastal community of Gold River on the west coast of Vancouver Island. When he was growing up, there were only so many opportunities for a player to succeed at hockey. So his parents sent him, along with his line mate, Rod Brind’Amour, to Athol Murray College of Notre Dame in Wilcox, Saskatchewan. A town of 200 people where there’s not even a store. There are, however, two rinks.
My boys did well in hockey out here in Victoria. Our relationship with the Victoria Racquet Club and Island Stars organizations have been the fabric of our existence for the past 20 years. Jeff was the Director of Hockey at the Club, and President of the Stars. I was the Registrar and Tournament Coordinator at the Club and all round everything for the Stars. Jeff coaches. Our boys reffed. I have the BEST hockey tournament playlist in existence on Spotify. But after Bantam, we didn’t have the same opportunities that mainland kids get. As soon as we could make it work, Aidan chose Notre Dame, and Brendan chose the Okanagan Hockey Academy in Penticton. And Jeff and I became empty-nesters when our boys were 15 and 17.
When the news broke about the Humboldt Broncos bus crash on an open road in small town Saskatchewan, a small tear in the patchwork became a gigantic rip of the veil for the hockey community. 29 people on a bus. Two coaches, a play by play announcer, a volunteer stats guy, an athletic therapist, a bus driver and 23 hockey players, on their way to game 5 of the SJHL playoffs. 15 fatalities, 14 injured. And grief. So much grief.
They were on their way to play Nipawin – a team that beat them the night before in triple overtime. They were down 3:1 in the series. In hockey terms, they were playing for their lives. Nobody expected the semi.
As a hockey mom, I have seen thousand of faces at arenas around the world – waiting for popcorn in concession lines and bundled in blankets in the stands. Different colours, different cowbells, but a fabric that’s woven of similar threads. Can someone push the button for the heaters? Oh this one doesn’t work. Did you see that play? Where was I sitting when we won yesterday … Just like players have rituals and superstitions, each of us have things we do to prep for game day. If I have popcorn at the first game and we win, I better make sure I have space for it every game. I’ve gone whole tournaments wearing the same outfit for fear that changing will upset the win fairies. We become masters of the pre-order, to avoid wrangling a team of teenagers in and out of a busy restaurant in an hour. Every one of us has a crate of hotel kitchen supplies – egg sandwich and panini makers, cutting boards and knives, ziplocks for ice packs and tubs of Gatorade crystals – that stays in the car from August until May. We all have our “second spouses” – the road buddy that we know as well as our own because our oldests are in Kelowna while our youngests are in Burnaby, and it’s easier and cheaper to divide and conquer than it is to take four vehicles on the ferry. I can hear the hockey moms across the country nodding their heads in recognition.
Which is why this accident, this senseless tragedy, has hit me so hard. I have 23 sister moms out there whose babies didn’t come home complete. The majority didn’t come home at all. As a coaches wife, I don’t know how I could handle the loss of my husband, the father of my children. One of my very best friends was our athletic therapist for Brendan’s two years of Bantam. The Bronco’s AT Dayna Brons is in currently in critical condition. The bus driver, the volunteer stats guy, the play-by-play announcer. They were just doing their jobs. I think of the billet moms – those saintly beings that parent our boys through the toughest part of their lives to date and love them through coming of age – they have empty rec rooms and granola bar wrappers and socks in their laundry that will never find their mates. An entire organization, and entire “quilt block” of the tapestry, was wiped out. How do you move on from that?
This game is not about a small chunk of black rubber and a white mesh net. It’s not about the scoreboard, the standings, the drafts or the academies. It’s about the people. The coaches, the volunteers, the referees, the zamboni drivers, the teachers and classmates, the super fans that paint their faces and high five the kids as they come on and off the ice – making them rock stars and town heroes and community leaders. It’s about knowing every word to all AC/DC songs, and knowing exactly which girl is distracting your boy.
My boys are on buses every day. One billets, one boards. They both wear red and white, just different letters on their jerseys. I have sent them away to small towns, where other people love them and raise them and pack second lunches when they know mine’s eating PB&J. This could so easily have been me.
I didn’t personally know any of the people involved. But my son did. My son’s girlfriend and her family did. My husband did. My surrogate Saskatchewan family at Notre Dame did. Just like a snag, or a tear in the fabric can affect the whole tapestry, this tragedy has ripped a tear in the hearts of hockey communities around the world. I’ve had people mention other tragedies around the world, asking why this one is worse than the bus accident in India yesterday, or the one in New York. My simple answer is those aren’t my tapestries. They are awful, they are tragic, and my heart breaks for the families affected. Loss is loss, and pain is pain. But this one is ours.
We will get through this. The clock hands still move. The pain and grief and helplessness will fade. The Bronco’s will have a long road to recovery – physically, emotionally, spiritually. And over time, and with support, our community will heal.
But for now, we weep. And we continue to love on our boys. And get back to the rink, as they would have us do.
25 Comments
Merle Gogol
Hi Mrs. Kerr. We haven’t met but Laney has told us a lot about you and your family, we have met Aiden several times and you have certainly raised a fine looking boy and hockey player.
Thank you for your very well written message. This terrible tragedy has affected so many people everywhere. Our thoughts and prayers are with all the Humboldt Bronco entourage, including relatives and friends near and far. Our thoughts and prayers are also with the semi driver. This will be affect him for the rest of his life.
veryterikerr
Thank you so much for your message Mrs. Gogol! We sure enjoyed having Laney here this past week. It was heartbreaking walking through this with the both of them, while trying (and failing!) to keep it together.
And yes. My heart also breaks for the truck driver. He and his family will forever be scarred by this, and I hope he knows that we are all very much aware that he never intended this to happen.
Hugs to you and your family from the west coast!!
Lily
Wow , just wow, I have one playing basketball and my little one hockey, although he is only 9 he dreams to “making it” I admire you hockey moms and haven’t stop crying for the ones that the babies won’t come home….. thanks for such fine writing
Laurie Anderson
Thank you. Thank you for putting into words what hockey moms across this country are feeling. Between the tears, heart ache and sorrow, I’ve tried and failed to express how I’ve felt as eloquently as you have. Thank you ????
veryterikerr
You’re welcome Laurie. Thanks for reaching out!! We will get through this.
Aimee cline
Thank you. That was so well written and so relatable. We are all the way in Texas with a son at Notre Dame. He loves it not just because of the hockey but the people and the community. Our hearts are with everyone from Humboldt and the Saskatchewan hockey community.
veryterikerr
Thanks Aimee! #HHH
Kim LeGrandeur
As a hockey Mom, I felt myself nodding while reading this. Thank you for this … so well written and true.
Monica Millin
As a hockey mom, especially as my son also played at Notre Dame for the Junior A hounds for 2 years, I was always on edge when they would travel for games (especially during those brutal winters). I would ask my son to please text me once they arrived. I can only imagine if I didn’t get one of those text messages.
I feel for those parents/siblings/family/friends. For the town of Humboldt you are all in our thoughts.
Anne
I have tried to explain to others why this has hit so close to the heart but I have been unable.
Thank you sister hockey mom. You have put into words how I and many others feel.
Karen Larche
I, a very involved volunteer of hockey from ip to jr A. Appreciate this. Your words have truly represented the thoughts in my brain and the hurt in my heart. My own son never played on a Jr team and he stopped playing yet still volunteered as equipment manager, took many bus rides with them. I do not know the boys extremely well, yet I look at each of them as young men, many away from their homes and families and can’t help but feel sense of maternal instict towarfs them. This loss, the loss of all those boys and others. Is too close to home. I wish I could tell my brain to tell my heart to calm down and stop hurting… Thank you for your writings.
Ottawa, Canada.
Barb Tower
So very well written…thank you for doing this and saying what so any of us just couldn’t put into words. My husband and I are hockey grandparents and feel devastated for this little town and all those poor people involved. I wish I could just surround that whole town with my arms and hold them close to try and give them a wee bit of comfort. Stay strong for each other, cherish the wonderful times that you did have and remember you are loved and thought of thousands of times a day from our Atlantic to our Pacific. Canada Strong.
Kathy Alm
Yes, very well put. Everyone knows someone. We are all so interconnected in Saskatchewan. We knew the bus driver. A finer man there never was. He loved hockey and those boys, all of them.
Shannon Dickinson
I love this and your beautiful heart. I was raised by a Hockey Coach and a player. I never played but sure loved all the cute hockey boys growing up. My Father was the original #15 for the St Louis Blues. My Son has huge dreams of following in Papa’s footsteps. Ryan is playing Jr Hockey currently and was 13 hours from home this season. On and off of buses so many weekends. I would text Him a prayer before every game. Praying for a hedge of protection around his bus, his team, and thanking God for everything we have.
I can’t fathom the pain and agony the Bronco’s team, families, fans and everyone are experiencing. I personally don’t know anyone that is affected. I can tell you I have cried multiple times, everyday since the tragedy. We have wept and prayed. Hockey is an incredible Family. I am extraordinarily proud to be apart of it. The way everyone is responding and rallying around the Bronco’s is absolutely incredible. It gives me goosebumps from head to toe. My Mom is 83 and she is reading everything and anything she can. Our hearts are in the same place as yours and we will continue to pray. Much love to you and your family. Shannon McCreary Dickinson
veryterikerr
Beautiful Shannon! Thanks for reaching out!
Tammy Zalewski
What wonderful words and so very true. Just would like to add that all of Canada is thinking of the driver of the transport he to comes from a loving family and may have had his days of hockey or involved some how.
May we pray for everyone involved in this accident. A reminder to us all to be loving and kind always as we don’t know what the big guy has planned for the next day.
Nicole E
Thank you so much for your eloquent expression of what is in the hearts of so many. My heart is with these families in ways I cannot begin to understand or express. I only hope and premature they can find some measure of comfort or healing in this outpouring of shared grief.
Bonnie Moench
My heart is broken, thank you for putting into words what I was unable to. It’s hard to describe how this hockey family works to an outsider. I was a hockey mom, and a billet. Over the years we had 14 boys in our home. I was told by my son-in-law, Jeff that you needed to feed these young men right and I thought I can do that. However I didn’t realize that they would become a permanent part of our family. I listened to their frustrations, challenges and shared their good times too. One young man stayed with us until he got married, Yes he became ours, and I was so proud of him when I sat beside him when he signed his NHL contract. After this tragic news came out I heard from some of these boys thanking us for what we did for them. I contacted some of them to say how thankful I was that they were ok.
I am so sorry for the parents of these young men. Their season was coming to a close and they would have be coming home to them in a few weeks. Now nothing will ever be the same. The boys that survived will have to live with this the rest of their lives. The parents and families of the players, coaches, and staff that were tragically taken far too young they will have to go on without their family member. It just isnt fair! I pray that God will give them strength to get them through this time, and comfort for all the days to follow.
veryterikerr
Oh Bonnie, thank you for reaching out. We host students and players at our place as well, and you’re right – they become part of the family!!! My youngest is billeting with a young family at OHA and I’m so thankful for them. Bless you!!
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Val Simson
Thank you for putting your feelings into words, beautiful words, that speak to me as well. Different country, but same fabric. My son played Jr A in Canada last year, and it could have been me really got to me. I guess that’s why I feel SO bad, SO sad, and I still have sticks out on my front porch. I have not been able to shake it. Your blog has helped. I’ve got to get back to the rink, yes – but we’ll never forget…
Jenn Wing
Thank you Teri. Every hockey mom out there feels for the Broncos family. It hits so close to home. My husband is also from a small west coast town and attended Notre Dame the same time as Jeff and Rod. There have been many bus trips with both my husband and son or my husband and daughter throughout the years and I’m anxious every time, until they arrive home safely. My daughter is currently playing in Alberta for NAIT and travelling by bus most weekends through the harsh Alberta winter. One of their games this year had to be cancelled due to a major accident just outside of Red Deer and the highway was closed. They were 10 minutes from it. Many girls on the team had friends and family on the Broncos bus. They are now banding together and holding each other up, thankful to still have each other. My heart is broken for the parents who have lost their children. I hope that knowing the world is out there grieving with them brings a tiny bit of peace.
veryterikerr
Thank you Jenn. I always think of when the guys were young how different things were then – riding the gravel road between Gold River and Woss, sometimes in the back of pick up trucks! Glad to hear your daughter is still playing. All the best to your family from ours.
Terri
Just in awe! I have not read a better way to explain why it has hit us so hard in our small towns Canada! We are in Campbell River and a hockey town for sure! I have a nephew whom is 17 and playing junior B right now but was at DHA for 2 years before and will be In Medicine Hat next season! There has be many bus rides the past few years and we could not even imagine! Our hearts hurt for all the families and thank you so much for the beautiful words ❤️